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11:13pm 12/05/2004
  why does everything in the world have to blow up in my fucking face. parents are pissed...took away my car and wont tell me when i get it back..."you need to change first"...but they wont tell me how. I want to fucking live somewhere else....i hate the energy of this house...always tension...always fighting...i just want to cry all the time...but no one understands that...i cant just break down whenever...it gets in the way...ooeveryone has to ask questions....what's wrong with you...I dont know....i'm a fucking depressed teenager, who will not give in to her own thoughts of suicide!.....i want to cut....ohhh i want to feel the fucking pain....the pain when the blood oozes out your arm ...but no...then they would be even more worried....if ppl let it go...pretend it doesnt exist, for me anyway...it will go away...i just need to find other things to focus on and then i'll be fine...but nooo....ppl have to ask...ppl hv to know why....that fucking question that will haunt me for the rest of my fucking loser life. WHY! I need to get out of here....i should start packing tonight....clean my room....clear out all i can...start moving and just wait till they say I can...i want to quit cigarettes, they make me feel like shit....I can quit drinking easy...that's not a problem...but I just want my life back...i want friends back...to just hang out again and have fun...I need that...havnt in too long...I want a fucking b/f....someone i can give attention to....or a g/f....that'd be really nice...but cant hv either....no one to honestly care...life can fuck me in the ass for all i care...hurts enough anyway... * shrug*...sleep time..  
futher more...   
11:13pm 11/05/2004
  yes i care about my friends....oh jesus i do...but ya know...as much as i'd like to drop everyhting...i do have my own shit going on in my life...and i'm going though a really fucking hard time right now and having my supposed friends talk shit and pretend that they're fine with me when there not....IT DOESNT HELP!...i want my friends to accept me for who I am, not who they want me to be. yes i know...everyone's a fucking hipocrite...including me...completly aware...but please....dont pretend to be my friend just so you dont hurt my feelings....just be fucking honest. I'll deal. I hv my own life to live, if you want me to be a part of yours or you want to be a part of mine...that's fine...if you dont....then stop pretending. if you think i'm being a bitch about somthing...tell me...dont talk shit behind my back...its lame. I'm typing this right now, hoping ppl will get the message. I hv tried very hard to tell ppl this in person, but aparently they dont fucking listen. if this pisses ppl off i'm sorry...i'm sick and tired of being the ball that everyone tosses around. I'm trying to get my own life and mind back together and i hope ppl can respect that...but i think that anyone who has had good friends outright betray them and drop them like a fucking stone, can say...it feels like shit. and i've had it happen my whole life. No i dont want your pity...this isnt a pity party...i just want ppl to understand. tell the fucking truth. Lying dont get you anywhere.life's a bitch and then you die, but that doesnt mean everyone has to BE a bitch to help that. i give up trying to please other ppl...i'm sick of never being enough to anyone...sick of trying to help ppl who dont appricate that i'm around. sick of trying to do good when it just seems to get me in more shit. I'm sick and tired, and its not worth the effort anymore. fuck you all...shit aint worth it.  
11:04pm 11/05/2004
  okay first....i just want to say I'm fucking sick of ppl lying to me....most of my friends know(or at least i thought they did) that I hate being lied to. If ppl have something to fucking say, they should say it to my face...if they have a problem with somthing...they should fucking tell me...Yes i know i've had a shitload of stuff going on but that doesnt meant that ppl should treat me like shit and talk about me behind my back. second, i lose respect for ppl who lie to me...if you cant stay true to your fucking word, then dont say it. if you dont want to be around me...tell me...and tell me why. if its because your going through shit that's fine...tell me...if its because of somthign I DID? then TELL ME! i'm sick of being the person everyone thinks they can take advantage of. I hang out with ppl b/c i like being around them, and usually i like it to be the other way around...Third, Yes I love my friends....Yes i will tell them that i love them, but that doesnt fucking mean that I"M IN LOVE WITH THEM! if i'm in love with someone, I will distinguish the difference. No, i'm not in love with anyone right now....yes i love my friends...but that very very very very rarly means that I'm IN love with them...third, I dont play fucking games and try and make ppl jelous....if i want someone romanticly...I'll fucking tell them so, I dont just fuck around hoping that they figure it out.  
more quizes   
02:03pm 24/04/2004
You are Form 6, Elfin: The Wyld.

"And The Elfin saw the evil and
misjudgement in the world and shot her arrow at
the sky. Bolts of lightning struck the earth
and gave the world balance and

Some examples of the Elfin Form are Demeter (Greek)
and Khepry (Egyptian).
The Elfin is associated with the concept of growth
and balance, the number 6, and the element of
Her sign is the half moon.

As a member of Form 6, you are a very balanced
individual. You can easily adapt to most
situations and you may be a good social
chameleon. You aren't afraid of changes in
your life, but sometimes you evolve too
rapidly, leaving others to think that you are
leaving them behind. Elfin are the best
friends to have because they are open minded.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
01:44pm 24/04/2004
  omfg!!!!!! I hate everything....andy called this mornign and told me he cant go to prom with me....and did the stupidist shit last night! I was so fucked up and I shouldnt have done anything....i should ahve left when everyone else was leaving and found somewhere else to have fun...but it didnt seem like brian liked me being his shadow....and me being stupid at the show asked forest if he would be willing to go with me....i dont even know if i want to go to prom...i know i have a zillion friends who will kill me if i dont go....brian probly going with mary-kate...but i suppose its worht a shot....i like him so much and never ever want to admit it....it was never somthing i could persue....but ya know....he's a senior and if it blows up in my face i wont have to deal with it for too long....i have so much shit to do and i cant get shit out of my mind. I really fucking want someone to be intimate with....even if its a one night thing....i hvnt had ANYTHING in months and i'm getting really fucking lonley....maybe i'll take tony....no....he'd go high....i cant think of anyone else....besides its a waste of money anyway...and no one cares  
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03:33pm 23/04/2004
  i was honest and i got this so....cool

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
heehee....that's funny   
03:25pm 23/04/2004

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
quizes and shit   
03:05pm 23/04/2004
  What kind of girl are you?

A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have your electronics you feel you can cope. Time goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your favourite collection of guitar-driven albums. Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour, individuality. Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life, action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.
12:07am 14/04/2004
  i have so much shit to do....but i'm tired so i'm gonna go to sleep....peter's kinda confusing me....we had an awesome night and he seems sweet still, but distant....i'm hoping that's only at work....i really dont want him to mess with me...i really dont want to be played with....but he's done enough already that i dont think he would do that...heh...matt helped me out a little.

He told me in the 7 years that hes known peter he's seen him with maybe 2 girls... so i threw both of them off....i just hope i didnt scare him too badly...i like him....i dont want to scare him...

He's hiding somthing, but i'm not sure what it is yet...i'll figure it out, but i hv to be better friends wtih him first...*shrug*...paticences remeber....everything takes time. deep breath....cool down...everything will work as it needs to.
I sound like a hippy....lol...gnite
wierd day....   
12:08am 12/04/2004
  wow....starting last night was wierd...when i was at work for the second freaking time...i asked peter what he was doin after the show...after i left work i went to talk to pooky and then went back....then me and peter went to davids party and totally hung out...


he seems so nice. so sweet and I really think i might have a chance with him. i just need to be patient...last few times i hvnt been and i really fucked up b/c of it. i hv a feeling its gonna be kinda old fasion. like we start dating, but at work we cant really be all emotional and shit...so that will be interesting.

I have so much shit that i'm trying to figure out right now and the panic attacks arnt helping. I need to figure them out, but i cant cuz i dont ahve the time. I need to stop smoking now too. i'm so glad peter doesnt care, i can tell he wishes i didnt cuz it would be easier but he's not pressuring me and that makes me feel better. I dont feel like i have to change for him. he makes me WANT to be myself and not change. that makes me really happy. at work i feel like i'm a completly different person. Brooks is too old and has way to much judgement. shay has a g/f....they're fucking engaged...i cant even go there. Steve has a g/f too, and i think its nice that he seems to care but at the same time...WHY THE FUCK DOES HE CARE! HE HAS A G/F...WHY SHOULD HE CARE ABOUT ME? or w/e... i'm just worried about getting hurt with peter. I think that he likes me cuz he's hinted at it several times, but i just need to wait. everything will work itself out.

09:28pm 07/04/2004
  heh, like my subject title...i should be doing hmwk right now, but i have no desire to whatsoever....this week has been so wierd....I'm smoking way more then i shoudl be....its gonna be harder to quit then i thought....my head hurts...i'm excited about the film me and rob are doing...now derek is joining too....hes really cute and seems to be really fun to work with... ^_^heh....me and brooks isnt gonna happen....he's got too much of an issue with me being 17....his younger brother confuses me....he's quiet...but he seems to be okay with me....peter...i didnt get to see him tonight. But he's a sweethart and i can see being really good friends with him.I shouldnt be judging anything right now, but i'm just calling it as i see it...brooks is also too attached to cathy....i still have trouble seeing them together, but then again me and thomas were different in age...by ....ten years....so...yah....redhed irish boy is awesome....he's so nice....we're gonna be good friends.....damnit!!!! I want a fucking boyfriend!....I miss having someone to be close to...i'm getting really lonley....but its okay...not really but we can pretend, cuz we're good at that....right?  
08:04pm 29/03/2004
mood: blah
I'm in a very recolective mood....dont really hv much i can say cuz most of its already written in my journal....i'm sure i'll have more use for this later...but right now its not much....heh
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